Keep it Cosseted or Crack is Whack

 
Photo via What Pushes My Buttons.  No really, this isn’t staged.
In the vein of Public Service Announcements, it’s time for me to put my identity as an Award-Winning and Award-Seeking (ahem, did you vote for me today?  Yesterday?  Howzabout right now?  Click here.) blogger to good use.  When I began Pistols and Popcorn, my brother zoomed this text to me:


Mommy Blogger.” 


I’m thinking he was giving me the snark.  Shocking, I know, as he’s usually quite serious.  But truthfully,   there are many moms who are reading this.  Also, there are many dads.  Dads – this is written for you though you’re going to have to find your own way to communicate this information to your baby mama.  It could be tricky.  Moms: this is for all of you.  Even the ones who think maybe it doesn’t apply. 

 

Crack is whack.

 

More specifically, when I’m on the playground and you’re bending over, crouching down, sitting criss-cross-applesauce or any variation on these here themes, when you are not standing vertically, more often than not mothers, you are exposed.  I don’t think you mean for it to happen.  But it happens oh so very much.

 

In these times of a crashing economy (totally unrelated) and low-rise jeans (totally relevant) how does one escape showing their thong-th-thong-thong-thong to the entire Kindergarten?  (Did anyone catch that “Thong Song” reference?  If so, congratulations, you and I would totally have hung out in High School.)  I’ve come up with a few ideas of my own, but I don’t think they’re the be-all end-all.  My go-to answer is the long tanktop under t-shirts plan.  The tank tucks into the pants and usually will not reveal the fact that I’m wearing Granny Panties.  Um.  I mean Agent Provocateur’s latest $200.00 pair of Luxury Knickers.  Also, can’t you just do a quick touch test when sitting down?  If skin plus even a mildly gaping waistband is combined, most likely any passer by is going to get an eyeful of the good stuff.  That’s right the really really good stuff.  Stop yer snickering.

 

I’m just saying.  We’re not 17-years-old anymore and it isn’t that cute to have your bum hanging out (a surprisingly high number of mothers appear to be going sans undies – comfort first?  Laundry day is every day?  What’s up?) It’s particularly not that cute when Roan is around wide-eyed and giggly that he can see a bum.  Really, that is the penultimate titillation for a child.  The ultimate?  Accidental farts, of course.  But I digress.

 

Am I missing something?  Anyone have input on his or her own technique for remaining cosseted while sitting down?  Please – let’s open up this dialogue, for the children.  The More You Know……(da-dun-de-dum).

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24 responses to “Keep it Cosseted or Crack is Whack

  1. It’s close people. Get in and get voting. Hell I voted for her even though she’s trying to reduce the amount of female flesh available to ogle.Pistols & Popcorn 30% The Word on Columbia Street 5% Mom and Kiddo 5% Brooklyn Baby 35% Park Slope Parents 0% A Child Grows in Brooklyn 25%

  2. Just as I hit the submit button I heard the funniest piece of steaming gossip to ever come out of SuperStardom. Britney Spears is considering giving up her entertainment career to become a school teacher. As if education wasn’t already in crisis.

  3. That’ll be one schoolteacher endorsing crack. Jodi’s message will forever be in peril.As for a solution for this pervasive problem that exceeds the limits of playgrounds and motherhood…? How about clothes that actually fit, how’s that for a start? That could take care of both crack and my other favorite (not)– muffin tops.

  4. You were at 35% when I voted a minute ago and the closest was at 30% below you!! I hope you win! On the crack-is-whack topic, I think the under-shirt and checking when you sit policy is decent! I mean how do you not feel the wind on your dairy-air when you are exposed?

  5. Ok Big Mike, way to rally for me! Now, just do that every day for the next two months. HA! It is a little funny that you can vote day after day until July 15. I think I’ll set a limit of pandering for votes to once per week.Also – Britney? Oy vey. That’s rich.

  6. Kali HA! Really – I can probably blame her for this whole notion that it’s cool to have your thong in the faces of every man, woman and child withing eyeshot. So. Clothes that fit. Hmmmmmm. To eliminate the muffin top would be a beautiful thing. Baby steps to a better world, huh?

  7. Hey thanks for the vote Courtney! Honestly I don’t know how people do not know their entire business is out. But truthfully – I think they have no idea. Because there are these moms who are totally normal and not exhibitionists or slutty who are showing all the goods all the time. I don’t get it. This is just my way of calling their attention to it. Cos I don’t have to guts to do it in person.

  8. Former Crack Addict

    God I have to go anonymous for this.I used to have this problem, until one day I saw a picture of ME from behind playing with my daughter and it wasn’t as bad as the one you have up there but it also wasn’t something I was proud of. Seriously, I had no idea. WAKE UP LADIES! And I second the idea to abolish muffin tops.

  9. Jeez, I’ve seen my share of bums, but never quite to this extremity! That doesn’t even happen at my high school and believe me when I tell you most of the people there are quite.. remarkable would be a nice description =) Btw Jodi, I love your writing! Love from Holland! xx

  10. Regina Rosario

    OMG i just posted a comment about ass cleavage on FB ….i see it everywhere! teachers sitting on the rug, mommies (and nannies)in the park, ladies on barstools now that the weather is nice! does no one feel the fresh air on their tush? a couple of years ago it seemed to be just teenage girls with muffin tops who couldn’t quite keep their low rises risen appropriately…

  11. Um… yuck.

  12. Did you know you can vote, not only every day, but every day from home, work and mobile device? 1 vote per IP address per day.

  13. If your brother has not suggested this yet: cycling jerseys. For those unfamiliar with them, they are extra long in the back for exactly this reason.Or, stop wearing those ridiculous looking low-rise jeans that look good on exactly seven people worldwide. If you do not have staff picking out your wardrobe, you are not one of them.

  14. I’m glad you got the help you need. One crack at a time.

  15. Eve – Love back to Holland! Thanks! Also, if the moms and nannies in the park are being even more….remarkable….than High School Girls, I’m just saying….something is wrong.

  16. HA! That’s funny Regina! I suppose we’re being exposed at the same time, and reacting with similar symptoms. By the way – your kids are Muay Thai champions. Love them both.

  17. Big Mike – I’m thinking my entire life would be different had YOU been in charge of my failed campaign for Student Body Something back in High School. I like your willingness to stuff a ballot box.

  18. And with that, you have made my favorite comment of all time. Awesome.

  19. great i like it=============== adult-adult

  20. Boy shorts undies – enough coverage for day time modesty but surprisingly cute and effective when you’re done with being mum.

  21. What I don’t get is who is the show for, anyway? For guys, to see if the moms still “have it”? Bleh… Could it be a competitive thing against other moms, maybe? Lord knows, it sure doesn’t look comfortable.I somehow wish women would unite and drown out the clothes designers and buyers who continue to make “low rise” anything. I personally thought jeans looked a lot better on women with the more classic taller cuts. Nothing wrong with leaving more than a bit to the imagination. Don’t know if I’m allowed interject on someone else’s blog with that opinion, but there it is…

  22. This woman probably had no idea that someone took a photo of her crack. In fact, it was probably taken by some pervert with a camera phone and now it’s on display for public ridicule. Did her butt crack sign a model release?

  23. Hi,Its really Crack – whack.I somehow wish women would unite and drown out the clothes designers and buyers who continue to make “low rise” anything.Mens Underwear

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