What Do People Not Know?

Writing about our life so often and in such detail has led to more than one friend asking, “What will you not write about?”  And there isn’t really an answer.  I would never write about anything to intentionally hurt someone.  I have a deep belief that when you publish words, via email or blog or actual handwriting that they need to be positive words, because they will be revisited time and again.  I can’t bear the thought of being unkind with the permanence of the written word.  So I’m sort of the opposite of the crowd there – wherein many people have found refuge on the Internet to be the meanest they can be.  I think I’m generally nicer in writing than I am in person.  It’s actually a damn shame sometimes – the things I say.  I often wonder where my filter is, and who turned it off?

 

I also won’t write about secrets I’ve been bound to.  I’m actually an incredibly great secret-keeper.  I think it comes from my days as a Substance Abuse Counselor, when confidentiality was part of the trade. One caveat – I will always tell every secret to Anson.  He’s my weakness and I can’t stand to know something that he’s not in on. 

 

But I still have my little cache of things most people don’t know about me.  For instance, if I relax my eyes, I will see everything in double.  And not only when I’m drunk, all the time.  I think that’s why I get headaches so often.  That’s another thing about me – I usually have a headache. Which is probably why I drink so much coffee.  But I also drink it to curb my appetite, which leads to the thing I think I like least about myself. My self-esteem is incestuously tied to the number on the scale. 

 

What about you?  You can use the anonymity here to let the world know something about yourself.  Or you can put your name down and own it.  Either way, I find introspection to be a good thing.  What do most people not know about you?

 

 

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26 responses to “What Do People Not Know?

  1. I find the writing of my blog helps keep me focused on what my life is really about, what’s important at this time. It also makes me look at things very honestly. Fabrications are not allowed because the truth always comes out, sooner or later. I’d have a hard time writing fiction, because I prefer non-fiction. I’d rather be immersed in life than fantasy. Though, science fictions is another story.

  2. Ok I don’t know if this is a good enough confession, but I loose patience with my kids too quickly. It drives me nuts that I get angry so fast.

  3. I’m using a fake name and commenting for the first time! Well, I thought this would be fun but I’m not brave enough to write my real name. The thing that most people don’t know about me is that I was involved with a married man for about five years before I met my own husband. Now as a married woman, I think I understand what I didn’t back then. There’s no way to undo what has been done but I do feel guilty for it every time I think about it.

  4. Most people don’t know that I’m terrified of what I don’t know…I’m scared that I may be unconsciously doing something or behaving some way that is detrimental to myself or others. This freaks me out and makes me doubly introspective. I’m always second-guessing my motives to make sure they are honorable. Sometimes when they are less than ethical, I purposely play stupid or try to convince myself that I didn’t know any better or had different intentions. This does a number on my self-confidence. I tend to knock myself down so I’m not blinded by feelings of self-satisfaction, or god forbid, a big ego. I also secretly blame myself for my son’s death by cancer. This totally sucks, and I know better, but can’t help but still think I should have done more. I guess it hearkens back to the issue stated above. I feel that I should have known more, sooner, which could have improved his chances of survival. I don’t speak of these much, so as to not give them strength, but I think it may actually disempower them by dragging them out and exposing them for what they are. Crap.

  5. None of my real-life friends know about my blog. Not that I libel them there or anything, I just find it much easier to cope with people I don’t actually know reading it.

  6. That I’m pregnant. Too soon to tell widely, but this was irresistable!

  7. When I began my own blog, my intention was to be totally honest about myself, exploring the worst and, hopefully once in a while, the best of my thoughts, actions and motivations. But now I’m in the boat that Mel described. As I began to get to know some of the people who read my posts, I realized I’d begun self-editing out of fear that I’d turn these new friends off. So while I’m still honest in what I write, I’m leery of getting into the grittiest of the nitty-gritty. At a certain point, the internet ain’t so anonymous anymore.On that note, one thing I haven’t explored that I probably should is my repressed need for acceptance and recognition by a bunch of total or not-so-total strangers.

  8. People don’t know about me… That I am in constant fear of not doing enough, being enough, being pretty enough, accomplishing enough… I feel like there’s so much to do, I’m bound to fail eventually!

  9. I listen to Celine Dion! And I love it! God help me!

  10. people don’t know that i have murdered a man. nor do they know that i find pre-sliced american cheese delicious.

  11. I actually like that my family reads my blog, because it keeps me from putting info on the internet that perhaps shouldn’t be there. My dad is my facebook friend. Keeps me honest.People don’t know that I’m considering blowing the whistle on my employer, but too chicken to do it. And I hate that I’m so scared to do the right thing.Poor mommy above whose son passed away – I have nothing for you, really, except I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible thing, and guilt is a totally normal part of it, but I know that can’t be much help.

  12. I think as a mother I can almost understand your self-blame with your boy. We carry everything in our hearts, on our shoulders, on our backs for our children, especially the things that challenge them. I can’t pretend to understand your experience with him but I can speak to my knowledge of who you are. I have no question that you were his champion, his advocate, and his angel. As you said, you already know this, but I’d like you to hear it from me: you did right by your son. I would be hard pressed to find anyone who was well suited to do everything right in that situation. My bet is that you did more right than the average person would have been able to. I’d bet all I have on that.

  13. Awesome! Congratulations – enjoy the food and the sleep and the kindness of strangers during your pregnancy. For me, it was the trifecta of happiness. I’m honored to have it (secretly) announced here!

  14. Kali – I find it’s really hard to invest in the writing without investing in the audience. I totally relate to your need for acceptance. Hard to shake that.

  15. Not sure anyone can help you now…..

  16. Totally revolted. American pre-sliced cheese is not acceptable.

  17. Ha! I have to pretend my dad doesn’t read this for many of my posts. That’s what keeps me honest!

  18. Thanks Jodi- It’s encouraging to hear this from you. I know he doesn’t blame me, and was grateful for how much I did, but man, this nags at me despite all I know. At best, it fuels my current life-mission. If I can help others in similar situations, it lessens the guilt.Oh, and thanks for asking such a thought provoking, soul-searching question!

  19. Oh…I am a very talented pianist, organist, and soprano. I can cook darn good food, and I make toys, clothing, bread, and laundry detergent for my family. I grind my own wheat. I have a beautiful family who loves me. Despite all this, I have the self-confidence of a wet rag and there are far too many days I can’t even summon the energy to feel remotely good about myself. I loathe myself sometimes, and feel like a failure because I’ve always been chubby (150 pounds, 5’4″) and my house is a mess. I know this is all so meaningless in the big scheme, which makes me feel even stupider for not being able to rally myself. And I’m not sure anybody knows.

  20. I have always secretly wished that I had the self-will to cultivate an eating disorder. I really am too lazy/unfocused/easily distracted. Ugly, but true.

  21. It’s a mean thing, the whole weight/self-confidence balance. I’m still amazed at how big a part it plays in my life, knowing all I know. So, you know – you’re not alone. However, you may be alone in all the things you CAN do. Holy cow. Really you are a musician, a cook, a seamstress and a toymaker? That’s unfair because I’d love to be even one of those things. Take some of my admiration and turn it into self-love.

  22. Yeh, that’s what I’ve noticed about you. Not focused. Totally lazy. That’s why you mastered Muay Thai within a few months. That’s ridiculous. Now go eat some food and enjoy it. You’ve earned it.

  23. OK, big secret here. In private, I pick my nose. No I am not making this up. I worry about someone seeing me. So I hide in the bathroom. Talk about being freakish. I hate it, yet can’t stop. Oh.. I do wash my hands!!!! Is this waaayyy too much info???

  24. I’m afraid of my own success. I’ve never been anything more than mediocre at best with most of what I’ve tried to do in my life, and now with an amazing set of skills and knowledge, I can’t extend it out there and work to utilize it because I’m terrified of being good at it. I’ve never been good at anything, ever. Now I am and it’s smothering me.Thanks for the outlet.

  25. I’m plagued by my lack of ambition. I’m terrified that I’ll fall out of love one day with my amazing husband. I fear I may have smoked away all my decent brain cells in my twenties. Every day I well up when I think about how much I miss my mother. I worry about how old my dad looks sometimes. The jury is still out on whether I drink too much. I watch WAY too much tv. But you know what? Most of the time I’m really happy! Lack of ambition goes hand in hand with contentment, which is underrated, I believe. Despite the challenges we all face, the small things still bring such joy. Thanks for the post! I feel a little cleansed.

  26. I share lots of these feelings – I also secretly wanted an eating disorder. THAT is hard to deal with – knowing it’s bad for you and still wishing it due to our taught self image – that is when I had to turn to other things – habitual 3 times a week running – I can still eat and drink too! also – the nose picker – I had a fear of blowing my nose for years & years – then I blew it -it was awesome! but what does a person do whith the stuff in the nostrils? I totally pick it. lots. and i’ve made every boyfriend i’ve had find it endearingly cute (or at least tolerate it if i have to tolerate motorcycle farts)I have wanted to kill many people and I love pre-sliced american cheese (& Velveeta!)Im always afraid of falling out of love (or the other way aorund – them out of me) and I am thankful and filled with huge heart in my chest by the bond I have with all of you right now after reading these. Thanks, Jode. oh – and to the multi-talented mom – you ROCK!and having as much fun as we can while we are here is ok, as long as we’re not hurting any one… cheers!

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