If Captain Lou Albino and Dr. Phil Had a Love Child


Anson and I seem like we get grumpy on the same days.  This can go well or this can go very wrong.  When it goes well, we confide in each other about what’s bugging us, and then we’ll wind each other up a bit in our bitching.  I throw in a lot of emphatic nodding and head shaking, eyes widening and swearing in support of him.  I offer step-by-step directions on what he should do next, and help organize his mind.  He finishes my sentences, becomes my protector and let’s me know in no uncertain terms that he sees what I see, and it Us vs. The World.


When it goes wrong it gets a little ridiculous.  Listen, I’m not going to out myself here and have a permanent record of how unreasonable I can get in an argument, but let’s just say that rarely do I walk away from our more heated exchanges with an angelic Dr. Phil on my shoulder saying, “That’s m’girl!  Very Productive!”  Nay, it’s more like a Captain Lou Albano pumping his fist in the air with his fat cheeks wiggling in response to a hard-won submission.  These moments are not my finest.  But I do love Captain Lou.


There’s a middle ground.  There are certain issues that are ongoing, that really don’t make me angry but they make me crazy.  There are things that a person (Anson) does which apparently that person (Anson) just cannot change.  In my limited experience with marriage (we’ve been married nine years), I’m beginning to understand that these things may never change.  Never ever ever, until we are dead.


In the interest of marital and familial bliss, I have resolved to believe the following:

God put hinges on the toilet seat for a reason.  It goes both up and down, and that’s also why God gave me hands, so I may use them to have the toilet seat in the position I’d like it to be. 

God apparently also gave me disposable Clorox wipes so that the pressure of trying to get all of their pee into the toilet bowl will not burden the two boys in my life.  It must be an unbearable heaviness to carry around that type of demand.  

Empty beer bottles are just fine to leave where they were finished.  It’s a tribute to where you said “goodbye” to your beer; where the all-too-short acquaintance was consummated and then cruelly ended.  I understand it’s hard to throw the bottle away, baby.  It’s just too soon.  

When you are compelled to satisfy your cravings for giant greasy chips smothered in fake cheesy goo at exactly the same time I’m trying to convince our son that broccoli is a delicious tree and he’s a dinosaur who wants to eat that tree?  That’s actually just fine.  In fact, not only is it fine, it forces me to have my A-Game on, so thank you. 


25 responses to “If Captain Lou Albino and Dr. Phil Had a Love Child

  1. This is totally what I needed. You know I’ve always thought that you look like a lovechild of Captian Lou and Dr. Phil, but I didn’t know how you’d take it. I’m gald it’s just out there now. I think the beer acceptence is hysterical, and the nacho one, sad.

  2. Dawn from Houston

    LOL I’ve had to resolve the same things.

  3. I (big fat heart) your blog. I must now apologize to my wife for the above mentioned acceptances that I’m sure she endures.

  4. Compromise is the key. I stopped beating myself up for things I could not change. It seems you have reconciled areas where you feel your husband can not change. I’m sure there are things about you that your husband wished that you would or could change. Things that he puts up with….We all have our demons.

  5. You mean there are women out there who let their husbands leave the seat up? Really? My fiancee told me, very early in our relationship (I believe it was the morning after she nearly fell, bum-first, into her own toilet) that I had to get into the habit of leaving the seat down, otherwise she and I would not last. I assumed this was the same for everyone!

  6. I know. All that? Me too.

  7. I’m going to reveal something I’ve never said before, even though it will make me seem petty and mean. When Susan and I got married, I got in the habit of putting both the seat and lid down when I’m done. Every time. It’s no extra work to do so.Then I complained to my wife about the fact that she doesn’t put the lid down.I am a genius.

  8. Oh my God I just laughed so hard at your blog.I have the same toilet seat problem with Kubo.He’s decided it’s just easier to leave the seat down and pee over throught it.He makes an effort to wipe up spray but it doesn’t always work.There’s nothing like the half-asleep midnight pee on a seat that is pee splattered.I’ve given up trying.He’s 56 and beyond training.

  9. I’m going to have to agree with Anson and Roan on toilet/Clorox wipe/bad aim issue. Why can’t they make all toilet bowls exactly the same size?

  10. I’ve never cared about the seat being up, but I grew up with brothers. I was raised to check before sitting. It’s the flipping and flinging of the pee (up on the walls, etc.) that drives me crazy. Does he HAVE to shake it off? Would a square of TP to blot instead KILL him? Also, dishes left in the sink when the dishwasher is right there. Just open it up and put it in already. You’re right, though. It’s easier to just accept some things and decide it will no longer be a problem for you. I’ve been married 15 years.

  11. God made pee sterile just so you didn’t have to fret over such things. Although I’m just as housebroken as your brother.

  12. My brothers made sure that doing a seat check came automatically. I hate when he unraps something like, say, jerky, and then leaves the wrapper on the counter. Only inches from the garbage can. Or when he says he can’t do the dishes because they “need to soak.” Overnight, naturally.

  13. go buy a big bag of the cheap generic brand cheerios.keep a bowl of them on the back of the toilet.tell the boys (and men) in yr house to throw a few in the toilet and aim at them every time they pee.

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